These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts; the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "He's been working with glue too much."

14. "He would argue with a signpost."

15. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

16. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

17. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

18. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

19. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

20. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

21. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

22. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

23. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

24. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

25. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

26. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

27. "One neuron short of a synapse."

28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

Steve

I didn't know anyone from the Federal Government had interviewed my workforce

Phil

These are too good not to write down!

Yeah, somebody should write them down.

Any volunteers?

Uh. Errr. Well, I'd write them down but I'm kinda busy. I'll get back to you next week. :crazy:

These have been available on the net and forwarded in emails for years, but they still make me laugh.

A few more:

"His men would follow him anywhere... but only out of morbid curiosity."

"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."

"He's so dense, light bends around him."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

And the always inspiring,

"He is like a slinky. He has no real purpose, but you can't help but laugh when he falls down the stairs."

Oh yes, I always need a good laugh, JT! Thanks for adding to Steve's (now MY) list.

Another way to get a good laugh? Open my Define Database and take a look at my graph. That would keep you laughing for hours! It works for me anyway. :giggle:

Oh my! Thank you for the laugh. I really needed it!

I keep compilations of many jokes, Job Recommendations is one. I've added Steve's to my lists, here's some more:

You're called upon for an opinion of a friend who is extremely lazy. You don't want to lie --- but you also don't want to risk losing even a lazy friend. Try this line: "In my opinion,'' you say as sincerely as you can manage, "you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you.'' This gem of double meaning is the creating of Robert Thornton, a professor of economics at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, PA.

Thornton was frustrated about an occupational hazard for teachers, having to write letters of recommendation for people with dubious qualifications, so he put together an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways.

He calls his collection the Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous Recommendations. Or "LIAR'', for short.

"[LIAR] may be used to offer a negative opinion of the personal qualities, work habits or motivation of the candidate while allowing the candidate to believe that it is high praise,'' Thornton explained last week.

Some examples from LIAR:

To describe a person who is totally inept: "I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.''

To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers: "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.''

To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled: "I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.''

To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration: "I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.''

To describe a person with lackluster credentials: "All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.''

Thornton pointed out that LIAR is not only useful in preserving friendships, but it also can help avoid serious legal trouble in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of letters of recommendation.

In most states, he noted, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative.

When the writer uses LIAR, however, "whether perceived correctly or not by the candidate, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof,'' Thornton said.

A couple of others come to mind:

"While working in administrative positions, he/she developed a very broad base."

Also, not so subtle: "This candidate goes thru life pushing on doors marked "PULL."

In today's stock market:

Helium was up.

Flourescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elvators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remained unchanged.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

The market for raisins dried up.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

Feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Scott Tissue reached a new bottom.

Thanks I must now change my Depends.

John